


It's Getting Harder To Hear What My Heart Is Saying

by HannahBoBannah



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Canon Divergence, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-11
Updated: 2019-11-14
Packaged: 2019-11-15 14:49:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 14,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18075446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HannahBoBannah/pseuds/HannahBoBannah
Summary: “Do you ever think about marriage?” Jake’s question hung in the air for what felt like hours. The implications of his words were so serious, and although he had tossed them into the universe so nonchalantly the rather large engagement ring sitting on her dresser made Amy’s heart slow to an immediate stop.Set During Season 2!!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes from Everyone's Waiting by Missy Higgins.

“Do you ever think about marriage?” Jake’s question hung in the air for what felt like hours. The implications of his words were so serious, and although he had tossed them into the universe so nonchalantly the rather large engagement ring sitting on her dresser made Amy’s heart slow to an immediate stop. It had been a week since Teddy asked her the all-important question. He had been so proud of himself, down on one knee in the middle of her favourite restaurant with his Grandmother’s ring nestled tightly in a red velvet box. Amy’s cheeks had flushed red with the knowledge that they had an audience and with a million doubts flooding her mind she simply smiled and said yes. On paper, he was absolutely perfect. Her parents loved him, so did her brothers, and theoretically he was the right match for her. But still, something felt wrong. 

Trying to ignore the panic that pulsed through her veins, Amy turned to look at Jake who was staring at her curiously. “What?” she snapped, sounding angrier than she meant to, exacerbating the situation entirely.

“Oh wow, someone’s grumpy” he chuckled before popping yet another Cheeto puff into his mouth and picking up the binoculars she had abandoned between them ten minutes ago. 

“I’m just tired, okay!” Although this wasn’t the cause for her irritation, it was in fact true. The pair had been staking out one of many suspected Giggle Pig suppliers for hours and although she cared deeply for Jake, spending multiple, consecutive hours alone in a car with him was not enjoyable. Whether it was because of his insistence to only listen to Taylor Swift or the horrifically unhealthy snacks he had brought with him, the entire stakeout was a nightmare, and the current topic of conversation only made things worse.  
“I find that hard to believe” Jake scoffed and dumped the binoculars in his lap. “You’ve had three cups of coffee and half of my Red Bull since we arrived five hours ago.” He punctuated the sentiment by taking a final swig from the silver and blue can and crushing it in one hand.

“That smirk of yours is more irritating than cute” was her simple response, and although it caused a bright pink blush to crawl up Jake’s neck, it wasn’t enough to distract him completely. 

“You still haven’t answered my question.” It was in this moment that Amy’s hands began to shake, and they both knew that it wasn’t caffeine jitters. “Are you okay?” Jake asked, his playful smile dropping from his lips.

“Teddy asked me to marry him!” Amy responded at the exact same time.

Their voices overlapped, but her statement didn’t go unheard, and within an instant Jake’s eyes had glazed over. He was nodding absentmindedly, and the lack of response sent Amy’s anxiety into overdrive. This was exactly why she hadn’t told him. After the night before he went undercover, when it was just the pair of them and he had laid his heart out bare, nothing had been the same. She knew how he felt, that he wanted to be with her, and for the first time she understood why her heart beat so fast every time he smiled at her and his hand brushed against her own. She understood why Teddy didn’t fit into her heart like a missing puzzle piece. She understood why being with him didn’t feel quite right. But, Teddy was kind, loving, and safe. He was reliable. He was everything that she needed and he was nothing like Jake; irresponsible, immature, unreliable Jake. 

“Oh” he finally muttered, his voice piercing through the silence like a bullet. “What did you say?”

There were so many things she wanted to tell him. She wanted to explain why she had said yes. She wanted to tell him that this was what her parents had always wanted for her and it was her direct ticket to the golden spot on the mantle. She wanted to lay out her fears and explain that she was thirty-one now and an opportunity like this might never come her way again. She wanted to tell him that Teddy was good husband material and she couldn’t throw that away. But none of it felt like the right answer and it only made her realise that she had said yes for all the wrong reasons. This, however, didn’t change the fact that Teddy was good for her and although she didn’t love him the way she should now, there was still time. 

“I said yes” she responded after a short while, and although she could feel Jake’s stare burning into her, she kept her eyes trained on the apartment building they had been assigned to watch because she knew that a single glance in his direction would destroy the thick walls she had built to keep him out of her heart. 

Teddy was her fiancé, and therefore Jake had to be nothing.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long delay, I just started a new job and have had serious writers block... I hope chapter 2 lives up to your expectations, I have some interesting ideas for this story so here's hoping writers block doesn't get in the way again... Please enjoy :)

Three months did not seem like a lot of time to fall madly in love with a person, and honestly, Amy had thought she would have more time. With complete uncertainty at the forefront of her mind she had pieced together a wedding binder, complete with a comprehensive timeline of events, beginning with separate family dinners to spread the good news, to dress shopping and bachelor parties, and ending with their honeymoon. She had allowed them two years, knowing that with a family like hers she would only need one day to plan the perfect wedding, but wanting as much time as possible to fall back in love with her fiancé. The timeline was perfect. The binder was faultless. But Teddy ruined it all.

“I want to get married on our Anniversary” he had grinned, arm wrapped around her shoulder as they laid on the couch and watched reruns of Law and Order. Instantly, Amy’s heart leapt from her chest and with perfect precision her body leapt from his arms as well.

“Are you serious?” she asked, voice trembling nervously as she did the math in her head. Three months. Three whole months to fall in love. Three whole months to push Jake out of her head and her heart. Three whole months for this decision to feel right. “There’s not enough time!”

“Are you kidding? You could plan this wedding in a single day” Teddy chuckled, and although he was right, it wasn’t planning that she was worried about, however, Amy couldn’t tell him she was scared that she might not love him in time, so instead, she plastered an insincere grin to her lips and snuggled back into his warm embrace.

“If you say so.”

With each day that passed Amy spent every spare moment with him. She worked hard to eliminate the negative thoughts in her mind; the thoughts that told her Teddy was boring, that she needed excitement, that Jake could giver her that. She worked hard at loving him, and eventually she found herself enjoying her fiancés company more and more. Sure, the constant Pilsner talk, and unadventurous sex wasn’t ideal, but she could deal with these minor issues because he made her feel happy and secure. By the time her Bachelorette party rolled around, there was barely a negative thought in her mind, and finally, Amy felt secure in her decision to marry him; at least, that’s what she thought.

“To Amy” Kylie had announced from her position beside her best friend, champagne glass held high above her head and an ecstatic grin on her lips. The night was still young and there was so much to do. This was everything Amy wanted. She had one last night of complete freedom and she was determined to do all the things that Teddy didn’t approve of. She wanted to get it all out of her system so that she could be his perfect wife. 

With Gina and Rosa to her left and Kylie to her right, Amy downed her first glass of champagne, holding onto the frilly, white veil that adorned the top of her head, keeping it from slipping out of her hair. Although Kylie flashed her a brief look of concern, her colleagues simply nodded in approval and followed suit, setting into motion a night that would change her life forever.

It all started at Shaw’s, and slowly but surely Amy climbed the Santiago drunkenness scale in quick succession, stopping at three just in time for them to travel to the next stop on their bar crawl. Dancing up the street, Amy ignored the pinging of her phone and texts from Teddy that come flooding in. She knew that he was checking in on her, that he was making sure nothing wild was going on, because he had been clear from the very beginning that he didn’t want her to have a bachelorette party at all. He and his friends had plans for a Pilsner brewing party and he had tried encouraging Amy to have a crafting party instead of the night she had planned; but this party was for her and she would spend it however she wanted. So, with barely any hesitation, Amy switched off her phone and stuffed it into her bag. Soon after this Pervert Amy came and went quickly, and as the group sipped on Manhattan’s in Manhattan it was her overconfidence that made Amy turn her phone back on. Ignoring Teddy’s texts once again, she selected a familiar name from her contacts and sent a message she never could have typed without the assistance of five alcoholic drinks. 

To Jake Peralta:  
I miss you!

The conversations happening around her were slowly drowned out by her own thoughts and with each minute that passed Amy’s confidence began to morph into something else entirely. Ever since that night in her car, with Jake’s fingers coated in Cheeto dust and his eyes filled with sadness, they had barely spoken about anything other than work. He had pulled away from her and with all of her focus on falling in-love with Teddy she hadn’t realized how much her heart missed him. He was her partner, her best friend, the one person who made her feel complete. Without him, it felt like something was missing, like a part of her soul was broken, and she couldn’t let herself marry Teddy without fixing that part of herself first.

With her overconfidence making a resurgence, Amy stood abruptly, catching the attention of her friends. “I have to go!”

“What?” Kylie frowned, to which Amy shrugged.

“I’ve got to go” she repeated just in time for Rosa’s eyes to fall on the phone in her hand. 

“Are you texting Teddy?” Her voice was its regular deadpan, but her eyebrow was raised and the alcohol in her system allowed a soft grin to break through her regular, tough exterior. Although Amy knew that the mention of her fiancé should make her feel guilty about the fact that all she could think about was Jake, it didn’t, and she simply nodded her head in response to Rosa’s question.

“Oh, a booty call” Gina cackled. “Get it girl” and with that, Amy had abandoned a night she had been planning for months because celebrating her upcoming nuptials could wait, fixing her relationship with Jake, however, could not.

On the taxi ride to his apartment she began typing her thoughts into her phone. In a perfect world, she would have her laptop and a couple of days to write the perfect speech that could fix their relationship, but right now, all she had was an iPhone and a heart full of love for her partner, and that would have to do. More texts from Teddy came streaming through, disturbing the flow of her thoughts, and by the time the taxi came to a stop she had no other choice but to turn her phone off again to get Teddy out of her head. She couldn’t have him on her mind right now, she had to shut him out.

Still feeling confident, Amy began to ascend the many flights of stairs that would lead her to Jake, and with each flight she cleared she could physically feel herself sobering up. Worried that she couldn’t face him without the overconfidence that came with five drinks, Amy stopped at the top of the stairs and glanced up the corridor. With no one else around to chastise her for such bad behavior, Amy searched for the flask of vodka she had slipped into her purse earlier that evening and took a rather long swig once the silver bottle was within her grasp. The cheap liquid seared her throat and within seconds its warmth radiated through her chest.

“You can do this” she muttered to herself before venturing up the dimly lit hallway in search of her partner. 

After coming to a stop at his door Amy took one long, deep breath and knocked three times. Everything she wanted to say ran through her mind in a continuous loop and the longer it took for the hardwood door to swing open the more her confidence grew. She could do this. She could tell him how she felt. She could make this right. But the moment she saw him, standing in the doorway with confusion in his eyes and her name on his lips, no words could come out. Instead, she found herself moving towards him. 

Time seemed to slow to a stop around them and as her lips collided with his it felt as though they were the only two people on Earth. Nothing else mattered. Not Teddy. Not Sophia. Nothing. It was just them with his arms around her waist and her hands in his hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the time jump isn't ideal, but it's where the writers block lead me. I've got lots of plans to delve into Amy's and Jake's thoughts and feelings, and definitely some big decisions for them both to make, so I hope you stick with this story and enjoy it.


	3. Chapter 3

She told herself that it was just a kiss. No, she told herself that it was just a platonic kiss between friends; an experiment. She only did it because she needed to make sure that her feelings for Jake were entirely gone before she gave herself to Teddy. She needed to know deep down in her heart that Jake meant nothing to her. But when his hands were on her hips and her arms were locked around his shoulders in a tight embrace it felt like a bolt of energy had shot through her entire being. The feeling of his lips on her own was like fire; pure, scorching fire. He made her skin tingle and her ears ring. He made her feel things she had never felt before.

When Teddy roamed every inch of her skin with his fingers, lips and tongue, she had thought that nothing could ever match that feeling. She had thought that nothing could ever feel as good as her fiancé’s lips on her lips, neck, chest, and his fingers deep inside of her. But Jake had proven her wrong with a single, delicate kiss. It wasn’t eager, passionate, or hungry. It was love; pure, sincere, soft love. He didn’t need to be inside of her for her body to burn with flaming desire. He didn’t need to lay with her to make her feel what she felt for Teddy; to make her feel what she felt for Teddy times a hundred. It was just the two of them, stood in his doorway with foreheads touching. It was tender. It was gentle. It was everything she longed for. But it wasn’t right. 

“I have to go” she whispered, trying to ignore the pain in her chest as she pulled away from his touch. Without meeting his eye, Amy rushed back to the stairwell and began her descent. Being here was wrong. Being with Jake was wrong. She had agreed to marry Teddy and she had worked hard at loving him; to throw all of that away because of one drunken kiss would be a mistake and she knew it. 

As Amy pushed the apartment building’s door open, she fished her phone out of her bag and turned it back on. Just as she had expected the missed calls from Teddy were well and truly in the double digits, but this isn’t what caught her eye. It was a single text from Jake, sent only moments after she left his apartment, and as she stood in the freezing Brooklyn wind, all she could think about was the hair on the nape of his neck and how it tickled against her skin. 

From: Jake Peralta  
I miss you too

To say that she knew better than to run back up every single flight of stairs between them would be an understatement. Because she knew that running up those stairs and pounding on his door was the worst thing she could ever do. But knowing what was right and following her heart were two very different things; at least, that’s what she told herself as she took the final flight of stairs two at a time. It’s what she told herself as she stopped momentarily to catch her breath. It’s what she told herself as Jake opened his door in anticipation. It’s what she told herself as she threw her arms around him. It’s what she told herself as their lips collided. Although her mind knew that Teddy was her perfect match, her heart longed for Jake.

“Are you sure about this?” he muttered against her lips.

“Uh huh” was her simple, hungry response as they stumbled awkwardly into his apartment and she kicked the door shut. With her hands in his hair, Jake pushed Amy up against the door and allowed his hands to roam her body for the first time; it was in this moment that she realised he was shaking. 

“Are you okay?” she asked, pulling away from his kiss.

“Yeah. Just a little nervous” he sheepishly grinned and Amy couldn’t help but smile as well. There was just something so sweet and sincere about his grin and it only made her want him more. So, with great fervour she grasped the hem of his shirt and began tugging it off. Thankfully, Jake obliged and finished the job for her. 

“Oh wow” she muttered at the sight of him. It wasn’t because he was impressively sculpted or had the build of a supermodel. It was the realisation that he was there with her; that this moment was real, and he was within her grasp. It was the knowledge that he was hers, all hers, that made her jaw fall slack and her heart pound in her chest. 

With a smirk on his lips, Jake’s hands wandered to the hem of her dress and just as began tugging at the material Amy’s hands teased the skin above his waistband. She knew what she wanted, and the physical reaction this elicited from Jake told her that he wanted it too. So, without hesitation she slipped her hand down his sweatpants and caressed his bare skin with soft fingers. Jake’s immediate response to her touch was to wreath her dress up above her hips, and without hesitation she tugged his pants down as well. 

Not a single word was shared between them as Jake lifted her off the ground, and as she wrapped her legs around his waist they were joined together as one. He was inside of her and the feeling of complete, utter bliss that overcame her entire body was almost too much to handle. After all these years of pestering, of jokes at her expense, of eye rolls and hatred, she never would have guessed that all she needed for her heart to feel complete was Jake. She never would have even theorised that he could make her feel like this. But in that moment, she was glad that he did, because she knew what pure, unadulterated love felt like.

They stayed in this spot, this moment of tenderness, for much longer than either one of them expected, and with each thrust they felt closer than they had ever been before. They felt close, not just in proximity, but emotionally and mentally, and everything felt right in the world. It may have been messy and far from romantic, but it felt right and that was all that mattered.

With Amy’s nails digging into his biceps and her head thrown back in complete bliss, Jake came hard and fast. 

“Oh god” he muttered in pleasure, and almost as if they were in a romance novel, Amy came with a sharp gasp only moments after. In that moment neither one of them realised the consequences of their actions.


	4. Chapter 4

Waking up in Jake’s arms felt right. It felt like Sunday morning sleep ins, reading her favourite book, pierogi pancakes and hot chocolate after a late-night steak out. It felt perfect, and yet so very wrong at the same time. While her eyes were still shut and she was yet to leave her perfect dreamland of Jake Peralta, his arm wrapped around her shoulders and his chest under her cheek felt comforting and warm. But the moment her eyes snapped open the reality of her situation sank in. She was getting married and it wasn’t to the naked man beneath her. 

Instantly struck with panic, Amy pulled out of his touch and climbed from the bed in search of her dress from the night before. She knew that the make up artist and hairdresser would be at her apartment at eight, and her mother was likely to be pounding on her door as she frantically searched for her underwear. She also knew that everyone expected her to be alone in her apartment, not with Teddy, and certainly not with Jake, so she needed to find her clothes and leave as soon as possible. 

“Where are you going?” Jake mumbled, still in a dreamy haze as he sat up in bed and rubbed the sleep from his eyes.

“Home” was her simple response, but this didn’t seem to be a good enough answer as Jake crawled across the bed to wrap her in another tight hug.

“You can’t go” he groaned groggily.

“Well, I have to” Amy shot back in an instant. According to the clock on his bedside table and the sun that was peaking in through the window, it was a quarter past six and she needed to be on the other side of town before anyone noticed that she wasn’t in her own bed. So, with her jaw clenched and eyes scanning the room for her clothes, Amy pushed Jake away.

“Can’t you just stay for another hour or two?” He tried again.

“No!” Amy couldn’t help but blow a fuse. The realisation of what she had done was crashing down onto her, hard and fast, and her only solution was to leave immediately and pretend it had never happened. What she had done, what they had done, was wrong. She was supposed to marry Teddy, because Teddy was kind, loving and safe. She needed safe. She needed to do what was right, not what felt right. She needed to put a stop to the irresponsible decisions she was making before it was too late. 

“Why are you in such a hurry?” Jake asked in a dreamy, confused state, and if it weren’t for the anxiety coursing through her veins this look alone would have coaxed her back into his arms.

“Because I’m getting married today” was her sort, sharp response, and the implication of her words woke Jake up in an instant. Sitting up in bed, his eyes followed her as she crossed the room and grabbed her bra that was hanging off his dresser.

“Are you serious?” He asked as his eye brows dipped into a frown. These words made Amy stop in her tracks, and although she looked gorgeous, half naked and glowing in the sunlight, Jake couldn’t help but feel angry. 

“Yes” she muttered, not entirely sure of herself as they watched each other from either side of the room. To say that she did not have feelings for Jake would be a lie, but sometimes it was easier to lie than to tell the truth. “I’m marrying Teddy”

“Even after last night?”

“Yes” she shot back matter-of-factly. 

“You can’t-“ he began, only to be cut off by Amy.

“Yes, I can, and I will. You can try and stop me all you like but last night meant nothing to me.” There she went, lying through her teeth, but she knew it was the right thing to do. Her family loved Teddy, she loved Teddy, and Teddy would guarantee her a spot on the mantle. David’s stupid face had been smiling down on her from the centre of that mantle for as long as she could remember, and the satisfaction of knocking him down to the piano was everything she had ever wanted. Unfortunately, Jake would never get her there because her parents would hate him. He was the complete opposite of the Santiago’s, after all. He was messy and disorganised. He didn’t care for binders and certainly didn’t have a favourite font. He was everything her parents would hate, and she wasn’t sure if she could handle the disapproval of her parents for loving someone as dysfunctional as Jake. Teddy, on the other hand, talked to her mother about Pilsners and cooking. He talked to her father about cases they had solved, and his favourite Will Shortz puzzles. He made her parents smile and her brothers laugh. Her mother even claimed that with a face as handsome as his he deserved the prized spot on the mantle. To choose someone like Jake when her family so strongly approved of Teddy would be a mistake. It was because of this that the distress in Jake’s eyes didn’t break her.   
“How can you say that?” Jake muttered, slightly taken aback and on the verge of tears.

“Because it’s true. I was drunk and not thinking straight.”

“So, I was just a drunken fling to you?” His question didn’t come from a place of confusion; it came from a place of complete and utter denial.

Pausing momentarily, Amy took a deep breath and crossed the room to sit beside him. “I’m sorry-“ she began, reaching out to hold his hand, but Jake’s anger beat her to the punch and he pulled it away.

“No, don’t give me your pity, I don’t want it.”

“But-“

“No. You came here last night knowing that you are supposed to marry Teddy today and you led me on. And what am I supposed to tell Sophia, huh? Am I supposed to lie to her? Because I don’t think I can. She’s a lawyer, she can read me like a book!” 

“Hang on” Amy practically growled. “I led you on? As far as I’m concerned you wanted it as much as I did!”

“So, you admit it? You do want to be with me” He hit back in an instant.

“That’s not what I said” Amy cried out in anger. “I was drunk and made a mistake. I don’t want to be with you.”

“Then leave” He shouted back and within an instant Amy complied.

“Fine” she yelled while standing and scooping her underwear up from the floor beside his bed. 

“Fine” Jake yelled as well, desperate to have the last say. “And don’t expect to come crying back to me when Teddy finds out what happened last night.”

“I won’t need to because he is never finding out.” 

“Are you sure about that? He’s a good Detective, Amy!”

“I hate you so much” she screamed, full of rage and desperate to find her dress so that she could leave his apartment. She needed to escape this situation as soon as possible, but the mess that cluttered his floor kept her from finding the garment. So, her anger took control of her actions as she began throwing things around to find what she desired.

“Hey” Jake shouted and leapt from the bed to stop her. “What are you doing?” Thankfully, Amy managed to find her dress that had been haphazardly tossed behind the television the night before just as Jake stormed in her direction.

“Leaving” she groaned as he grabbed her arm. With a final huff, she jerked her bicep out of his grasp and quickly slipped the dress over her head.   
Not a single word was shared between them as Amy crossed his small apartment yet again and opened the door to leave.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long delay. As a high school teacher I don't get a lot of time to myself and therefore writing for my own enjoyment isn't really a possibility. I'll try my best to post chapters more frequently!

“Are you sure you have to go back to work already?” Teddy asked from their bed. He was tangled up in their white sheets, wearing only a sleepy grin as he reached after her. They had been married for two weeks now and although thoughts of Jake still existed in the back of her mind, she was absolutely besotted with Teddy.

“Yes. I only had two weeks of vacation time. Besides, the squad needs me.” She smiled from her position by the dresser. 

“But I need you”. The soft whine to his voice made her heart yearn to fall into his warm embrace, but she had never been late to work before, and her husband certainly was not going to ruin that for her. Husband. That word still felt so wrong. She had never thought she would have a husband at this point in her life. It wasn’t part of the plan for another three years after all. But still, even with Jake constantly on her mind, she would be lying is she said she didn’t love Teddy. He was sweet and kind, maybe a little bit boring, but he made up for that with heart. He was the right fit for her. He was the right fit for her life, and he had slipped into her family with ease. 

“I know, but Brooklyn needs me more”. Amy was grinning uncontrollably as she tucked her bright pink blouse into a pair of perfectly tailored dress pants. “And you have thank you cards to write. Mum said that we can’t leave it any later than a month to thank our guests for the wedding gifts. After that it becomes rude and I don’t want to start this marriage off on the wrong foot.” 

“I know. You’ve told me this a thousand times honey” Teddy smiled before climbing out of bed and crossing the room to place a delicate kiss to her lips. “I’m going to brew some coffee while you brush your teeth”, and with that he was walking up the hall, in all his naked glory, and Amy couldn’t help but smile as she watched him leave. 

By the time she left their apartment, Amy had kissed her husband another five times before insisting she had to leave when his excitement could be felt against her thigh. It was exhilarating to know that she would have this kind of love and intimacy for the rest of her life. Her husband was handsome, smart, kind and reliable. He understood her so well and knew that work was her top priority. He understood that she wanted to make sergeant, that she wanted to rise up the career ladder quicker than any other woman her age. He understood everything about her, at least, almost everything. He didn’t understand what Jake meant to her, but then again, neither did Amy.

“Morning” she grinned and addressed each uniformed officer that she passed on the first floor of the Ninety Ninth Precinct upon her arrival. Most of them had been at the wedding, and although each of them wanted to stop and make small talk, she only had five more minutes until she was late and that simply wouldn’t do. So, with an urgency to her step, Amy pushed through the crowded precinct until she was stood at the closed elevator doors, waiting for them to open. Unfortunately, however, the familiar body that slowly came to a stop beside her made Amy wish she had wasted more time speaking to Anderson, her favourite uniformed officer that always brewed the best coffee.

“Hi” Jake muttered beside her, refusing to meet her eye.

“Hey” she awkwardly responded. It wasn’t until he was there beside her, within reaching distance, that the reality of what they had done set in. While honeymooning in Hawaii with Teddy it was easy to forget about Jake’s hands up her dress and his lips on her lips because there was an ocean between them. But now, with Jake in reaching distance, a hurricane brewed in her stomach and for the first time she didn’t know what to say to him. Because of this a quiet tension grew between them and by the time they were neatly tucked away behind the shiny metal elevator doors the emotions coursing through them were ready to explode. 

“Are we going to talk about it?” Jake finally asked, his voice soft and vulnerable. The broken, sullen look that accompanied his words were enough to break her heart, but Amy knew she had to be strong. She couldn’t be weak again. She couldn’t ruin the good thing she had with Teddy.

“No” was her simple response, to which Jake slowly nodded his head. 

The remainder of the elevator ride was spent in deathly silence with Jake refusing to even look at her and Amy desperate to forget the memory of how good his touch felt against her skin. Talking about what they had done would be a mistake. What they had done needed to be kept secret because their secret was dirty. It was the worst thing either one of them could have ever done to Teddy and Sophia, and it was the thought of breaking Teddy’s heart that kept Amy from discussing their indiscretion with Jake. She needed what they had done to stay behind closed doors, and the best way to do that was to not talk about it at all.

By the time the elevator doors slid open a thick tension had grown between them, and although stepping into the bullpen meant confronting the onslaught of colleagues eager to hear about her honeymoon, it also meant escaping the suffocating atmosphere that surrounded she and Jake.

“Oh my god, you look so tan” Gina’s piercing voice cut through the hustle and bustle of the precinct, drawing Amy’s attention away from Boyle who interrogated her about the honeymoon. Usually, she wouldn’t be so rude, but the compliment had come so far out of left field that it took her by surprise. “The Hawaiian sun has done wonders. You are glowing!” 

“Thank you” Amy grinned nervously, waiting for the other show to drop. Thankfully, it never did as Gina rushed passed her to prepare a stack of photocopying for Holt’s morning briefing. 

The remainder of the day rushed past in a blur of paperwork, desk duty and small talk, but Amy didn’t mind because working any of her cases outside of the bullpen meant being alone with Jake and she wasn’t ready for that just yet. With each hour that passed it became easier for her to sit across from him, and although she could feel his stare burning into her skin the knowledge that he would never say anything about their night together when surrounded by their friends made her feel safe. She could do this. As long as they were never alone together, she would never have to talk about what they had done. Unfortunately, however, late in the afternoon, when she had thought the day was almost done, Holt had marched into the bullpen with a serious look in his eyes.

“Peralta, Santiago, I need you to work late tonight. Boyle and Diaz require assistance on the Newell case.” Without further explanation, Holt turned on his heel and entered his office again. Once the door slammed shut and Amy’s eyes had turned back to her computer, Jake sat up in his chair and leant forward.

“Do you need to call your husband and tell him you won’t be home in time for dinner?” he asked abruptly. His voice was full of malice and the smirk on his lips rubbed Amy the wrong way. He was intentionally trying to upset her now and this made her even more nervous to be alone with him than she had been before.

“No, he is working late tonight as well” she shot back in an instant, knowing that it was a lie and completely aware that he could see right through her. “We have a late, romantic dinner for two planned. He is cooking Chicken Al Fresco and we’ll be drinking rose water Pilsner’s that he brewed specially for me”

“Oh wow, sounds romantic. I hope he fixed the recipe though because the last time you brought his rose water pilsners into work they tasted like soap.” The sarcasm in Jake’s voice was so thick and rich that it drew Rosa and Boyle’s attention to their conversation.

“They did not taste like soap!” she really was lying now. His pilsners were absolutely atrocious, but he loved them and so it was her job to love them too. 

“I hate to break it to you Ames, but his pilsners suck!” Trying to ignore the fact that a simple nickname could send a shiver down her spine and cover her entire body in goose bumps, Amy feigned offense.

“How dare you. Teddy has been practising really hard and his Pilsners have gotten better!” This, again, was a lie, but nobody needed to know that his pilsners tasted almost identical to any puddle you could find on the streets of Brooklyn.

“Oh, well if that’s the case I can’t wait for bottling day-“

“Hey!” Rosa eventually cut in. A deep frown creased her forehead as she approached Jake and Amy’s desks. “I need you two focused tonight. Boyle and I are so close to solving this thing and I don’t want your stupid flirting getting in the way of this bust.”

“We aren’t flirting” Amy practically shouted at the exact same moment Jake scoffed in offense. 

“You really think I would flirt with her?” he argued back once Rosa gave the pair an angry, knowing look.

“I don’t really care what you two were doing. Just play nice until this case is solved.” And with that, she turned on her heel and crossed the bullpen to place a large case file on Boyle’s desk. Neither Jake nor Amy said another word after this.


	6. Chapter 6

Sitting alone in the break room with Jake reminded Amy of the good old days. It reminded her of when they were just friends, nothing more and nothing less. They could talk about anything and not feel awkward about the fact that he had practically begged her to stay and she still chose Teddy. Their mindless flirting had never really meant anything before that fateful night before her wedding. But now, a single look could bring her undone and the thought of flirting with Jake made her feel sick to her stomach. She couldn’t lead him on any more because she was married. She was somebody’s wife. Their flirting actually had consequences now. Those little looks could completely destroy the heart of her husband. A simple touch could implode her entire marriage. So, with these thoughts swirling around her mind, Amy made sure to keep a safe distance between them and only discuss work as they sat side by side in front of two separate laptops. 

Although Rosa had promised that the sting wouldn’t take too long, not a lot was going on as Amy flicked back and forth between security camera feeds. She and Jake had been sat in silence for hours, waiting to catch sight of Newell, a man that Boyle and Rosa believed was responsible for three murders in the past year. Neither one of them knew what to say to each other anymore and Amy hated that work had forced them into such close quarters. Annoyed, she cursed the image of Rosa and Boyle on her computer screen as she stopped flipping through the channels and slumped back in her chair. 

“The coffee should still be hot” Jake offered without turning to look at her.

“I’m not tired” she shot back, sounding angrier than she had meant to.

“Sure sounds like it” he laughed and without even waiting for her to respond Jake scooped up her mug in his hand and crossed the room to brew her a piping hot cup of coffee. With his back turned to her, Amy couldn’t help but watch with a smile as he stirred the perfect amount of milk and sugar into her mug to create liquid gold. By the time he placed the cup on the desk in front of her, the tension that had steadily grown between them over the course of the day began to dissipate.

“Thanks, but as I said, I’m not tired.”

“Okay, well, there’s not much else I can do to fix what we both know is wrong, so maybe you could accept the coffee and call it a truce?” he attempted, and for the first time that day it felt like everything would be alright.

“Okay.” With a smile, Amy sipped the coffee. She could never be sure if it were the hot liquid or the way Jake looked at her that made her feel so warm and at peace in that moment, but regardless, she was glad. Unfortunately, the more she sipped at her coffee the more she came to realise that talking about what they had done was an important step in the right direction. There was only so much that small gestures could do to fix their mistake, after all. “Hey Jake-“

“I’ve got eyes on Newell” he cut in at the most inopportune moment. The image of Boyle and Rosa on Amy’s screen nodded and stood from the table they shared at a small restaurant two blocks away from the precinct. Jake continued to feed directions to their friends who prepared to take down the suspicious man who was now just meters away from them. Amy silently watched the surrounding environment to ensure the safety of her fellow detectives as Jake commentated Newell’s every move. It was their job to make sure this arrest went down without a hitch, and so Amy couldn’t help but hold her breath as she watched Rosa take down the burly man while Boyle cuffed him. “Ames?” 

“Yeah?” It was Jake’s voice that brought her out of her nerve induced trance. 

“Are you okay?” His hand was on hers now, and the feeling of his calloused palm against her soft skin was absolute ecstasy. With thoughts of Jake inside of her circling Amy’s mind she snatched her hand away in an instant. 

“Yeah, I’m fine”

“Okay” he frowned in response and Amy couldn’t help but feel guilty for shattering the small amount of progress they had made that night. So, against her better judgement, Amy reached out to grab his hand just as he stood to leave.

“I’m sorry” she started. “I didn’t mean to push you away, it’s just that” pausing, Amy looked up at Jake. He was waiting with bated breath to hear what she had to say, and this only made her more nervous to tackle such a sensitive subject. She knew that the words on the tip of her tongue would strike a nerve, but they had to be said, and although she never wanted to talk about what they had done there was no going back. This conversation was important. It could make or break their friendship and partnership, but nevertheless, it was important. “What we did was wrong. You are with Sophia and I’m married now. It was a drunken mistake and we never should have done it.”

Jake was silent, but he never pulled his hand away. Instead, he sat down again and stared deeply into her eyes. Seconds came to feel like hours, and through all this time their hands never parted. It was comfortable and wrong all at once. But Amy couldn’t bring herself to pull away from his touch. He was her best friend, besides Kylie of course, and this touch, this simple touch, was an olive branch that was desperately needed. She couldn’t lose him. He meant too much to her.

“I agree. What we did was terrible.” As the words left his lips Amy couldn’t help but feel like he was lying. However, it was exactly what she wanted to hear, and she wouldn’t argue the point. Questioning his sincerity meant dragging the issue out even longer than it needed to and she wanted to hide this mistake in the back of the closet as soon as possible. 

“So, since we both agree, I think the best thing to do from now on is to never talk about it again” she stated matter-of-factly, to which Jake simply nodded his head. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to them both, this secret would not stay hidden for very much longer.


	7. Chapter 7

Six weeks ago, Amy had made a mistake. Four weeks ago, Amy had reconciled that mistake. Two weeks ago, Amy had moved on from that mistake. Now, Amy was scared that this mistake would follow her forever. No matter where she went, no matter what she did, this mistake would follow her, and her husband was guaranteed to find out. 

It was a regular Tuesday morning when the nausea hit for the first time. Usually, Santiago’s didn’t get sick. In fact, the last time Amy had been sick was five years prior when Jake had convinced the squad to go on a pub crawl to celebrate catching their first serial killer. They had all drunk too much and Jake even managed to convince her that eating room temperature meat supreme pizza was a good idea; the food poisoning had taken her out for two whole days. It was this memory that kept Amy blissfully blinded by the truth. Just the night before Teddy had picked up dinner from the new Chinese restaurant on their street. The food had been delicious at the time, but with her head in the toilet bowl and her husband holding back her hair, Amy couldn’t help but wonder if it were cooked properly.

“Hop back in bed while I get you a glass of water” Teddy told her once she finished vomiting her guts up and without any protest Amy did as she was told. However, by the time he reappeared with a packet of saltines, glass of water and mixing bowl from the kitchen, Amy had already raced back to the toilet again. “You know what, I’m calling Captain Holt and telling him you won’t be making it into work today”

“No” she shouted before another long, steady stream of vomit came pouring out of her month. “I need to go to work!”

“Honey, I don’t think you will even make it to the car before throwing up again” Teddy told her with a smile, to which she simply frowned and crossed her arms. 

“I’ll have you know, I’m feeling much better already.” This was a lie. But she and Jake had been working so hard on their latest murder case and she couldn’t let him down now. Not being at work meant leaving him to do door duty alone, and Jake hated door duty more than paperwork. If she left him to do this alone, she would never hear the end of it. So, the discomfort of going to work with a little bit of food poisoning was worth it to avoid hearing Jake’s complaints for the rest of her life.

“You really need to stay home. I’m not taking no for an answer” Teddy tried, but it only made Amy angrier.

“Well it’s a good thing you aren’t the boss of me” she shot back before slowly rising to her feet. “I’m going to work.” 

Choosing not to fight her, Teddy simply lifted his hands in surrender and backed off. Amy was fiercely independent, and he clearly was not willing to stand in her way. However, every morning of that week, Amy had woken abruptly and rushed to the toilet where the entire contents of her stomach came rushing out, and just like that first morning Teddy had urged her to stay at home. It wasn’t until two weeks of vomiting and arguments had passed that Teddy finally suggested the one thing Amy refused to acknowledge.

“Do you think this might be morning sickness?” His words were tentative, and the way Amy glared at him in response was the exact reason why it had taken him a few days to work up the courage to ask. 

“What are you trying to say?” she asked in an accusatory tone. 

“I’m saying that you could be pregnant.” He was much more confident now. There was excitement in his eyes and Amy could tell that the prospect of a child brought him joy; how could it not? They were married now and having children was the next logical step, but she still had so much she wanted to achieve before having kids. It was the thought of her ten-year plan that kept Amy from feeling this excitement too. She knew how her life was supposed to go. Sure, she had to revise the plan a little when they first got married, but that was only six weeks ago, and she wasn’t ready to make even more adjustments yet. 

“Don’t be ridiculous” she groaned and rolled her eyes, knowing full well that he was right but too scared to admit it to herself.

“Oh, come on honey, it’s not like we’ve been celibate this whole time.”

“Yeah, but we use protection” Amy tried, but the look in Teddy’s eyes and the memory of their honeymoon instantly told her she was wrong.

“If I’m remembering correctly, you went off contraception four months ago when it started giving you that weird rash and we had sex on the beach without a condom on our first night in Hawaii.”

Groaning, Amy pushed herself away from the toilet and sat on the edge of the bathtub. “Okay, fine, it could be possible.”

“So, we should take a test” Teddy grinned widely and for the first time Amy couldn’t help but smile as well. He was so happy. 

“Yes, we should take a test.”

Almost instantly, Teddy chucked on a t-shirt and pants before rushing to the nearest bodega. It was early in the morning and the sun was barely in the sky, but neither one of them could wait for a pharmacy to open. So, they decided to take the financial hit and buy whatever tests were available from whichever bodega was closest to their apartment.   
Once alone, Amy striped off her clothes and stepped into the shower. A long day of work was still waiting for her and she would be damned if this scary possibility made her late. Jake would no doubt made a joke at her expense and everyone would be watching as she rushed in, waiting to hear whatever excuse she had for her tardiness. She knew that she could lie and tell them that there was a problem at the bank, but she had never been a good liar and they were all good detectives. So, she would rather take the test between doing her hair and makeup than be late to work and divulge the truth.

By the time Teddy returned Amy was dressed in a neatly ironed pantsuit and had half of her hair straightened. This brought a smile to his lips as he came up behind her in the bathroom.

“You look beautiful” he told her.

“You do too” she chuckled in response before turning to place a delicate kiss to his lips. “Now get out so I can take this test.” Thankfully, Teddy did as she asked and stepped back into their bedroom, closing the door on his way out. 

“Are you done yet? He asked after a minute, but Amy had barely finished unboxing the test.

“No”

“Okay. Well, let me know when you are” and with that he wandered off to get ready for the day ahead, leaving Amy all alone once again. 

Urinating on a stick was much harder than she remembered. As a young woman in her early twenties she had taken many pregnancy tests; it was a different time, after all. It was a time of college parties and one-night stands, and after escaping such a suffocating childhood with parents who put too much pressure on their children, adulthood brought out a whole other side of Amy. She had finally gotten contacts fitted and her braces removed, and for the first-time boys actually found her attractive. By the time she finally became a Detective, however, her commitment to her career overcame her commitment to dating and therefore her need for pregnancy tests and contraception faded away. That is, until now. 

“I’m finished” she eventually called out once the used test was sat on the edge of the basin. 

“Can I come in?” Teddy asked just seconds after and without saying a single word Amy opened the door to let him in.

For three whole minutes the couple sat in silence on the edge of their bath tub. Amy had set an alarm on her phone and Teddy had a back up alarm ready to go on his watch. But, by the time both alarms went off, neither one of them was ready to look. 

“I can’t do it” Amy mumbled, more so to herself than Teddy. All of her fears were beginning to cave in on her. She had a plan, a ten-year plan, and kids weren’t even on the agenda for another four years. She wasn’t ready to be a mother. She wasn’t ready to give up on her dreams of becoming the youngest female captain in the history of the NYPD. She wasn’t ready to give up her body. She wasn’t ready to become a family of three. She simply wasn’t ready. But it became abundantly clear that Teddy was as he stood and crossed the room. With his fingers grasped tightly around the test Amy closed her eyes and waited for verbal confirmation of the results. Unfortunately, they never came, and she was forced to open her eyes and see them for herself.

“We’re going to be a family” Teddy whispered at the exact moment her eyes fell on the tiny, pink plus sign. Unexpectedly, Amy felt her heart skip a beat. She was going to be a mother. “I can’t believe that we made a baby.” Teddy’s words, however, brought her happiness to an abrupt stop as an unwanted, intrusive thought pushed to the forefront of her mind: She and Jake hadn’t used a condom either.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the lengthy delay; life is extremely busy when you are a high school English teacher!

She had heard that the first ultrasound was a life changing experience. Tony’s wife Alison had told her that hearing the heartbeat would finally make it all feel real, and her oldest brother Peter’s wife said that your entire heart swells with so much love. Collectively, all of her sisters in law had said that seeing your first child for the first time was like discovering a love that you had never known existed before. Of course, they had all told her this three years ago when she was still single and not pregnant with what could be her husband’s baby, or the illegitimate child of Jake Peralta. Thankfully, she still had some time to work up the courage to face this first ultrasound as it was only the morning of her first appointment with the obstetrician-gynecologist

Their appointment wasn’t until late in the afternoon so Amy was forced to spend the entire day with what could possibly be the father of her child, and she couldn’t say a thing. She was married to Teddy now and Jake was finally starting to seem okay with the fact that she hadn’t chosen him; in fact, he had brought Sophia along to Shaw’s two nights ago when Amy didn’t know she was pregnant, and everything wasn’t so scary and awkward. Life had finally gotten back on track, but now, everything was changed forever.

“You okay?” Jake asked while crumbs fell from his mouth as he sat at his desk across from her. Usually, Amy would screw up her nose in disgust and shout at him about his food crumbs attracting ants to their shared space. But today, she was so lost in thought that nothing could distract her. So, with a soft frown creasing his forehead, Jake picked up the ball of elastic bands that sat beside his computer and tossed it across their desks.

“Ow” Amy shouted at the exact moment the ball smacked her in the side of the head. “What was that for?” she groaned next before throwing the ball back at him with great force. 

“You weren’t paying attention to me” Jake playfully cried, but he was wrong. Thoughts of him consumed her mind. He was all she could think about. She thought about telling Jake. How he would react. Finding out if he was the father. Jake as a father. Jake holding a baby. Jake painting a nursery. Jake staying up late with the baby because she has the early shift in the morning. Jake cradling their tiny child in his arms. Jake loving her. Jake loving their little family. Jake dressing their child in the sweaters his mother had knitted. Jake reading their child bedtime stories. Jake cuddling up in bed with their child when they can’t sleep and just want their Daddy. Jake… It was the thud of his elastic band ball hitting her chest that pulled Amy out of her spiraling thoughts. 

“Ow” she stated again, drawing out the syllable much longer than necessary this time, just to punctuate how annoyed she was at him.

“What?” Jake asked innocently, but the smirk on his lips told her that he was deliberately trying to wind her up now. 

“You are so annoying” she groaned and rolled her eyes. “What do you want?”

“Nothing. Just checking in” he grinned, and Amy couldn’t help but smile back warmly. Teddy never checked in on her without a reason. He never bothered to call her in the middle of the day just to ask how she was feeling. He never wondered about what she was up to or called to find out. That is, until he believed she was carrying his child. For two days straight he had called her more times than he had in their entire relationship, and to say that it was suffocating would be an understatement. Jake’s care for her used to make her wish that Teddy would care more, but now she wished that everything would go back to the way it was. She wished that it was two days ago. 

Almost like clockwork and with horrific timing, Amy’s phone began to ring loudly. Jake’s eyes snapped from her to the phone in an instant and the moment he saw Teddy’s name flash across the screen something in his eyes changed. 

“I should probably get this” Amy muttered, although she wished that she could linger just a little bit longer. She wanted to watch Jake closer and analyse that look in his eyes. She wanted to find out what it meant. Unfortunately, however, this was not an option.

“Hey honey” Teddy’s chipper voice was a harsh reminder of the truth she was hiding, and guilt consumed every inch of her. She needed to tell him the truth; but first, she needed to find out who the true father was.

“Hey” she responded, trying to sound calmer than she actually was. 

“I just wanted to check in and see how the morning sickness is going?” This is what she expected. He never wanted to talk about anything but babies or pilsners anymore and this only made Amy feel guiltier for what she had done. 

“I’m feeling much better thanks.” Instantly, Amy could feel Jake’s eyes on her. He was trying to hide the fact that he was intrigued and worried, but the way he glanced at her out of the corner of his eyes only made it more obvious. 

“Is that a good sign or not?” It was this statement that reminded Amy of why she loved Teddy. On the day she took the test Teddy had gone to a bookstore to buy every pregnancy book that Good Reads had recommended. When she came home from work, he had already cooked them both dinner and was waiting on the couch with a tall stack of books beside him and his nose stuck in a fresh copy of ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting”. The sight of him with glasses on and a slight frown creasing his forehead had made her smile, and for a few hours she had forgotten that the baby might not be his. It was just the two of them, snuggled up on the couch with bowls full of pasta and plenty of books to read. It had been perfect. 

“I don’t know, honey” she smiled momentarily.

“Well, regardless, I’m excited for our appointment.” He paused for a second. “Are you sure you don’t want me to leave work early so we can drive there together?”

“Yes, I’m sure.” 

“Okay. If you say so” and with that, Teddy had told her he loved her, and the line went dead. 

“Are you sick?” Jake asked instantly, barely waiting for her to put the phone back on her desk.

“What? Why would you say that?” she was more defensive than she meant to be, causing Jake to hold up his hands in surrender.

“Woah, no need to be so chill” he snickered. Thankfully, however, a single glare from Amy was enough for him to back off and leave her alone. 

For the remainder of the day Jake had been cautious not to upset her and Amy had a feeling that this was caused by his concern that she was sick. He didn’t make any jokes at her expense, instead, choosing to direct his sarcasm at Charles who took it all with a smile, and by the time lunch rolled around he offered to pick up some of her favourite pierogi pancakes. It was almost as if he knew, deep down, very deep down, that she was pregnant, and if this was true, Amy wondered how he would treat her if it were his child. Would he shower her in compliments? Deflect Gina’s nasty comments? Complete every mundane job she had to do for her? What would Jake be like as a father?

“Do you want to come to Shaw’s?” Jake asked her with a smile as they both began to shut down their computers for the day. “Rosa and Boyle are coming too” he added quickly, and although Amy wanted to explore the worried look in his eyes further and interrogate him on why he felt the need to inform her that it wouldn’t just be them, all alone, for the first time outside of work since she showed up on his doorstep drunk, she had to go.

“I can’t. Teddy and I are going out” she lied with a smile and once again something in Jake’s eyes changed. 

“Oh, okay, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow” was all he said in response. The conversation had run dry at this point and all Amy could do was smile softly as she slipped her handbag onto her shoulder and push her chair under the desk.

Walking to the elevator without Jake was lonely, but she had to go. She couldn’t stay with him or Charles or Rosa. She had to go and find out if she was really pregnant. She had to go and somehow find out what day she conceived without tipping Teddy off to the fact that something was wrong. She had to figure everything out now because the longer she put it off, the worse the situation would become.


	9. Chapter 9

The waiting room was covered in photos of happy babies, happy mothers and happy fathers; it should have made Amy smile, but instead it made her feel guilty. No matter how this situation ended someone would be hurt. Whether it was Teddy, who had been so excited to become a father, who would find out that his wife had cheated on him, who would lose everything. Or Jake, who didn’t even know that she might be pregnant with his child yet but would always wonder if it was his based on the timing when she finally revealed the exciting news to her friends and family. One of them would have their heart broken and Amy wasn’t sure if she could live with the guilt.

Glancing down at her watch, she couldn’t help but frown. Teddy was ten minutes late and she could sense the subtle glances of the other couples sitting in the plastic blue chairs around her. They were supposed to do this together. He was supposed to be here. 

“Amy Santiago” a kind voice called, drawing her attention away from the watch on her wrist. A soft faced, young woman in scrubs stood at the opening of a hallway with a clipboard grasped in both her hands. Her eyes scanned the room quickly before landing on Amy who was slipping her handbag onto her shoulder. “This way please” she smiled and gestured for Amy to follow. 

Doing as she was told Amy walked down the brightly lit hallway and entered the first door on the left. 

“Doctor Kelly will be with you in a moment. Make yourself comfortable” the young woman smiled again, and without saying a single word Amy smiled in response.  
She was really starting to worry now. Teddy was never late, especially to important appointments like this. So, without hesitation she pulled her phone out of her bag and dialled his number. The line rang three times before he picked up.

“I’m so sorry, Honey” he puffed into the phone. “I just got back to the office. I’ll be there as soon as I can” and without even waiting for her to respond he had hung up the phone again.

“Great” Amy muttered to herself, just in time for the door to swing open and a middle-aged man to enter. 

“You must be Amy” he grinned fondly and shook her hand. “And if I’m not mistaken, I’ve delivered seven of your nieces and nephews”

“Yes, you have” she smiled in response, but the smile didn’t quite reach her eyes. 

“Well, let’s jump on in and get started.”

Amy and Doctor Kelly made small talk while he checked her heart, lungs and blood pressure. They talked about her nieces and nephews, her brothers and their wives. They even talked about her mother and father. He had known the Santiago family ever since her first nephew was born. Lucas was a beautiful and healthy little boy. He was the perfect height and weight, and the first time Amy laid eyes on him she cried. She had been twenty-three at the time and holding the very first child that any of her brothers had ever had was a life-changing experience. From that moment on, she loved being Tía Amy.

“Alright, let’s find out if you’re pregnant” Doctor Kelly smiled brightly once he had finished his initial check up, and before Amy could even explain that she wanted to wait for Teddy, he had placed a small plastic cup on his desk. “You can use the bathroom right across the hall”

“Okay” was all Amy said before she picked up the cup and left the room. 

By the time she returned Teddy still hadn’t shown up and Amy started to wonder if this was a good thing. Even though she was embarrassed to tell Doctor Kelly that she didn’t know who the father was, not having Teddy in the room made asking the question a lot easier. She could ask for advice and maybe even ask him to perform a DNA test. She had read on the internet that it was possible, after all. But this didn’t change the fact that this situation was messy. What if the baby did end up being Jake’s? She would have tell Teddy and her entire life would implode. And if the baby was Teddy’s she would have to deal with an emotional and unreasonable Jake. Because of this, Amy started to wonder if she wanted to be pregnant at all. Bringing a child into the mix changed everything and she wasn’t sure if that was what she wanted. 

“Congratulations, you’re definitely pregnant” Doctor Kelly grinned ecstatically and with horrific timing.

“Shit” was all Amy managed to say and for the first time Doctor Kelly frowned. “Sorry, I didn’t mean that” she rushed to fix the situation, but it was too late. 

“Is something wrong?” the older man asked kindly and although she wasn’t ready to share the truth, it all came flooding out.

“I cheated on my husband the night before our wedding and now I don’t know if this child is his or Jake’s” she blurted out, subconsciously holding her hand to her stomach. 

“Okay.” Doctor Kelly paused for a moment, processing what she had said. “Luckily, there are tests we can do to figure this out. Do you remember the dates you had sex? We might be able to rule out one of the options without any intrusive testing.” 

Frowning, Amy sighed. “I slept with them both within forty-eight hours of each other.”

“Okay, that makes things a little bit trickier. How about we find out how far along you are first and then start again from their?” he said with a soft smile, and although she had been scared to reveal this truth before the appointment began, Amy was glad that she had said it. She wasn’t alone in this anymore, and he wasn’t judging her. 

“That sounds great.” But it wasn’t, because he was pointing her towards the ultrasound room down the hall and her fears from that morning came back with a vengeance. She wasn’t ready to see this child yet. She wasn’t ready to hear it’s heartbeat. She wasn’t ready for it to be real. But it was and there was nothing she could do to change that. 

“This might be cold” Doctor Kelly warned her before squirting a clear, blue gel onto her flat stomach, and just like he said, the gel was cold. Flinching slightly, Amy closed her eyes and took a breath. 

With eyes shut, she prayed that she was only a few weeks along. She prayed that Doctor Kelly would say that she was only five weeks into her pregnancy, because that meant that Jake wasn’t the father. It meant that there was no plausible way that he impregnated her, and everything would be simple again. But her prayers stopped when she heard it. The soft but steady heartbeat. 

“Is that?” she asked, eyes now open and staring at the screen.

“Yes” was all Doctor Kelly said with a smile. But Amy didn’t need him to say anything else. All she needed was to hear that heartbeat. That soft, healthy heartbeat that belonged to her child. Her child. Even just thinking it made her own heart skip a beat. She was going to be a mother. “It looks like you are about six to seven weeks along.” 

She really did wish that he hadn’t said anything else.


	10. Chapter 10

Their apartment was dark and cold when she arrived home. Teddy was nowhere to be seen and if Amy weren’t already angry this would have worried her. He had never shown up to Doctor Kelly’s office and she was certain that he would be home when she arrived. During the long drive across the city she had planned the argument in her head. She had planned her entrance, the things she would say, the silent treatment she would give him for a few hours before finally accepting his apology. She knew exactly how she wanted him to feel, because it was how he had made her feel while she stood outside the Doctors office waiting for him. 

Without a single trace of his presence in the apartment, Amy dropped her handbag by the door and kicked off her shoes. Usually, she would see his boots sat neatly beside the entryway table and his backpack hung on one of many hooks he had put up by the door when he moved into her apartment. Not seeing these things told her one thing, he hadn’t left work yet, and although this excuse would usually be okay, this time it was different. This time, it was important for him to be there, but he still chose work.

Trying not to cry, Amy pulled her phone out of her pocket to call him once again but was stopped when she saw a text from Jake. Seeing his name brought an involuntary smile to her lips and although she wanted to be home when Teddy arrived, she also wanted to be wherever Jake was. So, without second thought she slipped her shoes back on and left their apartment exactly how she had found it. 

“Santiago?” Rosa’s deep voice asked ten minutes later as Amy pushed the door to Shaw’s open and slipped into the busy bar. Her colleague was clearly intoxicated as a soft grin had found its way to her lips while she crossed the floor to wrap an arm around Amy’s shoulders. “I thought you had a date with Teddy?” 

As soon as the words left her lips, Jake’s confused eyes peered over Boyle’s head, and the moment they landed on Amy they softened.

“He had to work late so we cancelled” she lied offhandedly before finding an excuse to slip away from Rosa and approach Jake who was already walking her way.

“Hey” he smiled softly, to which Amy smiled back. “What are you doing here?”

“I was invited, wasn’t I?” she questioned with a grin, hoping that he wouldn’t question her further. Thankfully, he didn’t.

“You certainly were. I’m about to order another round, do you want in?” Although his question was simple and innocent, it hit Amy in a way that she didn’t expect. She knew that being pregnant meant she couldn’t do certain things. She couldn’t drink alcohol or eat uncooked fish. But it was Jake’s question that made her realise that this pregnancy would exclude her from the rest of the squad. She wouldn’t be able to attend their regular Friday night drinks at Shaw’s, or even work in the field. She would be chained to a desk and even worse, chained to Teddy who was already becoming overbearing and much too protective. 

“No, I’m good” she tried to say without arousing suspicion, but the look Jake gave her was the only clue she needed to know that she had failed. Choosing to ignore this, however, she smiled kindly and moved on to greet Terry who was playing a game of pool with Scully. 

A half hour of suspicious stares across the bar from Jake passed before Amy felt her phone buzz in her pocket. Before even pulling it out, however, she knew that it was Teddy. He had no doubt arrived home to find her missing and was worried about her. But she didn’t care what he was feeling right now. She had tried calling him twelve times while she waited outside of Doctor Kelly’s office. She had waited for him. So, he could wait for her. 

“Are you going to get that?” It was Jake again. But this time his voice was soft, right beside her ear as she stared at the photo of herself and Teddy on her phone screen. It was a   
photo from their wedding day. She looked so happy.

“No!” was her stern response as she tucked her phone into her handbag and turned to face Jake whose body was much too close to her own. 

“Why not?” his eyebrow was cocked and Amy knew that he was being nosey on purpose. Ever since she had chosen Teddy over him Jake had been smug when the tiniest of issues arose in her relationship. It was because of this that she avoided talking about her marriage with him, among other obvious reasons, of course. But tonight, she wasn’t in the mood to protect her marital problems from his prying eyes.

“Because he stood me up and I’m mad about it, okay?” she shot back in an irritated tone, to which Jake simply smiled. 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.”

“Are you sure”

“Yes!” But Jake knew her too well. She did want to talk about it and she only wanted to talk about it with him. So, without any of their friends noticing, Jake slipped his hand into   
Amy’s and dragged her toward the back of the bar where they could have some privacy, where they could be alone.

“Spill!” he exclaimed, a look of seriousness in his eyes.

“I can’t” was Amy’s response because she wasn’t ready to tell him yet. She wasn’t ready to change his entire world, at least not yet, at least not until she knew for sure if he was the father. So, with Jake still watching her expectantly, she chose to lie. “Fine. Teddy and I were supposed to meet for dinner, but he stood me up in favour of work.”

“But I thought you didn’t care about that kind of stuff. Work is important to you.”

Trying to hold back her smile, Amy tucked her hair behind her ears. Jake really did know her better than anyone else and this made her heart melt. 

“Yeah, I know, but when you get stood up in favour of work as much as I do it starts to hurt.” She wasn’t lying anymore, and although she told herself not to tell Jake everything, she couldn’t help herself. Before finding out she was pregnant and long before they were married, Teddy had developed the habit of choosing work first on many occasions. So, when he promised her that he wouldn’t miss this appointment, she had thought that for the first time she had come first. She thought that she was the most important thing in his life. “God, I feel like such a hypocrite” she muttered at the thought of herself being angry at Teddy for something so small when she had been the one to cheat on him.

“Don’t. Even though we did something awful, you are still allowed to be upset about the things he does to you” Jake spoke softly, completely understanding her thoughts without Amy having to say a single word.

“But-“ she started, only to be cut off by Jake’s hand on her shoulder.

“Two wrongs don’t make a right.”

“That’s such a cliché” Amy chuckled, to which Jake smiled.

“Yeah, well it’s still true.” He paused for a moment and tentatively moved his hand to her cheek. “What we did is in the past now and you need to stop feeling guilty about it.”

No more words were shared between them as Jake’s thumb softly caressed her skin and Amy wondered yet again if she had made the right choice. Standing there with him, with Jake, felt right. It felt like everything around them had slowed to a stop. It felt like they were the only two people on Earth. And with Jake's warm, chocolate eyes staring into her own Amy couldn’t help but lean into his touch. 

“We shouldn’t be doing this” she muttered, but they didn’t stop. Instead, in that moment, they dug up the past together as his soft lips collided with her own and although it was all wrong, it felt entirely right.


	11. Chapter 11

Although Teddy had apologized profusely when she came home, all Amy could think about was Jake’s kiss. It was so soft and tender. It was love. I was good. It was bad. It was everything she had needed and everything she had wanted. Jake made her feel the way that Teddy should. He made her feel like the entire universe. But her marriage was still new, and she couldn’t give up on Teddy just yet. Sure, he had made mistakes, but at the end of the day so had she. They were two people who didn’t know exactly how to love each other. At least, not yet. She had to give him the opportunity to figure it out, especially if it was his child that she was carrying. So, with the DNA test scheduled for the following Monday, Amy decided to forgive Teddy. She needed to know who the father of her child was before she made any rash decisions, after all. 

Unfortunately, however, before she could have the test done, she needed to get her hands on a DNA sample from both Teddy and Jake. Although Teddy would be easy, Jake was going to be a problem, and because of this, she needed a plan. She had to find a way to collect enough of Jake’s DNA to compare with that of her unborn child and the only way to do that was to get into his apartment. She needed something. Whether it was his toothbrush, hair or toenail clippings, she didn’t care, she just needed something.

It took two whole days of thinking up possible plans before Jake handed her what she wanted on a silver platter. He had come into work with an overnight bag slung over one shoulder and a grin plastered on his lips. At first, it had made Amy frown in confusion. But then he opened his mouth and her heart sunk.

“Sophia and I are going to the Berkshires” Jake had told Boyle proudly. “She booked a super toit suite. We are going to do nothing but eat spicy buffalo wings in bed, naked.”

“Sounds like fun” Amy cut in with a fake smile, drawing Jake’s eyes away from his best friend to look at her from across their desks. In that moment, with her ears turning red and her heart pounding in her chest, Amy knew that she was jealous. She was jealous of Sophia. She was jealous of the way his eyes lit up when he spoke about her. She was jealous that Sophia had Jake and she didn’t.

“Ames” Jake said, just in time for Amy to scoop a stack of files up in her arms and stomp across the bullpen until she was safely shut behind the copy room door. It wasn’t until she had started making copies of her case files, however, that the thought dawned on her. Tucked away neatly in Jake’s bag was his toothbrush, and on that toothbrush was enough DNA to tell her if he had fathered her child. This revelation was enough to soothe her anger and bring a smile to her face as she glanced out the copy room window. She didn’t have to break into his apartment anymore, she only had to break into his bag. Now, it was only a question of how and when.

While tucked away in the copy room, Amy made brief, cryptic notes on the back of her hand. She noted the placement of his bag and its visibility, how likely it would be for her to slip in and out without anyone noticing, and the different ways to get Jake away from his desk for long enough to steal his toothbrush. Although small and cryptic, the details of her plan were outstanding. 

“Are you finished yet?” Gina’s sudden and emotionless voice made Amy jump.

“Yeah, it’s all yours” was Amy’s muttered response as she collected her copies and made a run for it. Thankfully, Gina didn’t question her on her weird behavior and instead slammed the door shut behind her in order to have a bit of privacy while she listened to Beyonce and made copies for Captain Holt. 

By the time Amy had filed all of her paperwork, dropped them into Holt’s office and stopped by the break room to have her one and only cup of coffee for the day, Jake had left his desk unattended. So, with perfect precision and stealthy moves, Amy crossed the bullpen confidently and scooped the bags handle up in her left hand before continuing on like nothing had happened. She didn’t even look over her shoulder to check that no one had noticed as she stepped into the evidence lock up to commit her crime. Unfortunately, however, and with terrible luck, Amy’s plan went awry when she was just about to reach the finish line. 

“Hey Ames” Jake started as he looked up from the evidence box in his hands. “What are you doing with my bag?” he continued, this time frowning.

“Um” Amy looked like a deer in the headlights. She had to think fast, come up with a lie that he would believe, but this was harder than it seemed. Jake could read her like a book and no matter what she said he wouldn’t believe her. But this didn’t stop her from trying. “There were so many strangers out there and I was worried that someone might steal it.”

“Okay?” he questioned, clearly wanting more detail so that he could understand her reasoning.

“I figured I would bring it in here where it would be safe.” Jake was watching her quizzically. “And I would hate for you to be late for your romantic weekend away because someone stole all of your clothes.” This was the lie that pushed it too far and Amy knew it. Jake would never believe that she was worried about his love life, especially after the way she had kissed him two nights ago. 

“Ames, I have to tell you something.” This certainly wasn’t the response she had expected.

“Yeah” she responded softly, curious to know what could be more important to him than calling her out in a lie.

“I’m not going away with Sophia.” Now it was Amy’s turn to be confused.

“Then where are you going?” she asked.

“My Dad’s mother passed away and he asked me to attend the funeral. It’s in Boston so I have to leave tonight if I want to make it in time for the wake.” He was practically whispering and Amy could see the trepidation in his eyes.

“Oh Jake, I’m so sorry”

“Don’t” he cut in abruptly. There was a tenseness in his shoulders and his body language was off, but this always happened when Roger Peralta stepped back into the picture. Ever since Amy had known Jake, he had always been extremely reserved when it came to his father. He never wanted to talk about him and when the man himself came to visit Brooklyn Jake’s cool composure was thrown off kilter. Roger Peralta was Jake’s greatest weakness.

“But-“ Amy tried, wanting to comfort her friend, but Jake cut her off again.

“No. I don’t need your condolences. I barely even knew the woman. The only reason I’m going is because Mum couldn’t go alone.”

“Oh” Amy’s voice was soft as she took a step closer to Jake. “But why did you lie? You know you can trust us, right? We’re a family”

“I know. But Charles always gets weird when I talk about my Dad and I didn’t want to hear his advice all day. It was easier to pretend that I would be having amazing sex all weekend and then avoid answering all of his weirdly specific questions on Monday.” Jake paused for a moment and his eyes fell on his overnight bag that was still grasped tightly in her sweaty palm. “Now, are you going to tell me the truth about why you have my bag?”

Later that night, when she was lying in bed beside Teddy, Amy would ponder why she had told Jake. She wasn’t sure if it was his honesty or her inability to handle this secret on her own anymore, but whatever had led to her telling him everything wasn’t important anymore, because she had told him. The words had fallen from her lips without hesitation. Two little words that could change everything. Two little words that had rendered Jake speechless. Two little words.

“I’m pregnant”


End file.
